Fanfiction review “The Monster Lord”

Instead of reviewing the story by myself, I’ve decided to ask for assistance from an acquaintance. A second opinion is usually helpful and considering that the intent of these reviews is to be critically constructive, it should be a good idea. Here’s the link to the story (WARNING: spoilers ahead!),

The Monster Lord by MadHat886

It’s a Ranma 1/2 crossover fanfic fusing the hentai games “Monster Girl Quest” and “Violated Hero”.

You know, perhaps I should just do this one by myself as usual. The whole second opinion thing might be better left for another kind of story  and … ah, dammit. I’m here. It’s the place where my acquaintance lives. Amusingly enough, he freeloads in a church,

The church

And I’m coming here to talk about hentai. I think I forgot my common-sense somewhere…

Hmm… Now that I think about it, the place is empty and no-one has seen me, yet. Perhaps I should just turn around and –

“Mr.Dekar, what brings you here today?”

The priest

Yikes! That almost gave me a heart attack. I turned around to find Father Kotomine Kirei walking up to me. He’s the priest at this church, a respected member of the local residents committee and has the very suspicious habit of surprising people.

I guess its just his way of being humorous.

So much for second thoughts about leaving. Or was it my third thought? Either way, it’s too late to escape now. Fr.Kirei will undoubtedly inform him of my arrival and it would be rude to just walk away. Letting out a long sigh, I say the usual pleasantries and explain that I’m here to see him.

“You’ve come at a bad time then,” replied Fr.Kirei. “He’s out at the moment.”

Excellent! I can now leave with a clear conscience and –

“But I’m expecting him back soon. Why don’t you come inside and wait with me? It’s cold out here and you can thank me for the hospitality.”


Dammit! How can I refuse that? I swear, there are times when it feels like he enjoys destroying a person’s hopes. Just look at the smirk of his! No, don’t tell me that it isn’t a smirk. I tell you he’s smirking on the inside!

And so I found myself walking past the beautiful chapel and into the reception room.

Reception room

Fr.Kirei sat across and we soon began talking. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a chat with the father. We’ve done this many times before and usually talk about how the community is doing as a whole. Much as I hate to admit it, Fr.Kirei has been a very positive influence. Take the case of Ms.Narusegawa for instance – in the beginning she was a very timid girl, but over the course of a few months Fr.Kirei managed to inject some confidence into her. Local gossip says that her boyfriend was relieved that the two of them could finally engage in mature conversation about marriage.

“And what is in that folder you are carrying with you today?” asked Fr.Kirei pointing to the story print-out that I brought with me.

After answering that it was a copy of the story I wanted to review with him, Fr.Kirei suggested that he could help out instead. He must have noticed my hesitation (I didn’t really try hiding it) because the next thing I knew, he looked at me. That’s the only way to describe it; really. Whatever hesitation I had, vanished. It was almost as if he hypnotized me or something. Almost.

I began a brief explanation of what the source material was about. I’m no expert (and it has been YEARS since I’ve read the Ranma 1/2 manga), but it would have put him at a disadvantage had I allowed Fr.Kirei to read the story without exposure to canon … and about Monster Girls too.

To my surprise, he began to read the story anyway. Even better, he agreed to help me review it!

Thanks to Akane sending him to a land of monsters. Ranma ends up becoming the new Monster Lord. The question is if he can return home and if he will survive that long. Crossover with Monster Girl Quest and Violated Hero, Harem fic

The summary isn’t too bad. It’s clear, concise and to the point. There is the obvious question of how Akane might have sent Ranma to another dimension, but considering how fanon has interpreted her cooking, we can wave this aside.

The ash from the volcano vents that surround the cause the soil to be very fertile allowing much food to be grown and rich fishing, has allowed the monster numbers to grown and be strong.

“‘surround the cause'” accuses Fr.Kirei. “I never knew that causes could be surrounded. Did you, Mr.Dekar?”

I shook my head. The sheer number of grammatical mistakes in that last snippet got me stumped. Even after reading it thrice, I couldn’t figure out what the author was trying to say.

“Obviously the author isn’t trying to say anything,” suggested Fr.Kirei. “If he did, surely more effort would have gone into making this more understandable. The world has enough unsolved mysteries without simpletons needing to add more.”

A meeting with the three strongest ruling monsters has been called and a great number of monsters has gathered.

The tense issues in the above line are just pathetic. Is it present or past –

“Mr.Dekar, might I suggest that we ignore trivial details such as these? I was under the impression that we were reviewing the story and not pretending to be grade-school english teachers correcting assignments.”

The suggestion stunned me. It makes a LOT of sense and … yet at the same time makes me wonder why I never considered reviewing with that approach before. Fr.Kirei is surprisingly insightful. I just might take this advice to heart.

She’s a white skin demon with long black hair that she keeps in twin pony tails that reach the ground.

“If her hair really does grow that long,” began Fr.Kirei, “it makes you wonder if she sweeps the floor with it; wouldn’t you think so?”

Her pale body is covered in tribal tattoos and has four pairs of wings on her back, the set on the right are demon wings and the left angel like wings

The tattoos have 4 pairs of wings on the backside? Ugh. Most round-about description of a furry I’ve ever read.

Insecta is a insect demon who controls all insect demons under her domain.

“This author must be a very insecure person. Why else would he repeat the word ‘insect’ so many times? The name alone, should be sufficient.”

I can’t help but agree.

Her main body is that of a long white haired woman with read eyes.

What kind of eyes are ‘read’ eyes, I wonder? Perhaps she’s wearing sunglasses?

… her G cup breasts … Her H cup size … giant I cup breasts …

I’m no expert in bra-sizes, but I’m fairly certain that they don’t use the entire alphabet. Keep this up, and I’m sure we could expect a lawsuit from some random parents association, accusing us of using ‘unorthodox’ methods to teach children their ABCs!

Stepping into the castle on the western side of the castle is the demon dragon queen of the western mountains.

“The author enjoys repeating himself, doesn’t he? I wouldn’t be surprised if he were a narcissist.”

Ouch! That was a bit harsh…

and swimsuit like bottom

I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but if I ever came across a girl with such a rear end, I’d turn around and run. The very idea of a bikini-shaped bottom makes me rather uncomfortable.


He’s not saying anything, but I think that Fr.Kirei agrees with me.

Dora a plant woman … Saya a blue slime woman … Aruba is a cat woman … Ezelda is a blonde long haired lamia …

Yawn! Much as I like the idea of skimpily dressed women, this is getting dull. It’s one description after the other. Is all this really needed? Heck, even if it is, I can’t remember them all! Authors, take note: If you introduce too many OCs into your stories too quickly, the reader can easily assume them to be background material.

Sitting on her throne he current Monster Lord Alipheese Fateburn XVI … Hateful of humans for their actions, she will kill them without mercy.


“ENOUGH!” screamed Fr.Kirei as he thrashed a good chunk of the printed papers I brought with me. “Mr.Dekar, I know that you need to read everything to properly review a story, but this author is most unaccommodating. Please assume that these sections are not worth reading.”

I was forced to agree. For more reasons than one.

“And let’s all agree not to use any attacks that are powerful enough to destroy the castle,” Alice said. “Or we’ll have to fight at the one who use it and destroyed my home.”

This is most accommodating. I wish I could live in such a world where people agree to limit themselves, even for the highest of stakes.

“You would be surprised Mr.Dekar,” injected Fr.Kirei, “of how far some people will go for just the lowest of stakes.”

I have no idea what he meant by that, and don’t think I want to find out.

“That’s right all of us,” Alice said as she and the others piled on Ranma.

We’re at the end of the chapter, and I can’t say that I follow the plot.

“Perhaps there isn’t one?” suggested Fr.Kirei. I’m worried that he could be correct. Then again, we ARE talking about a hentai crossover. Perhaps I was expecting too much? Onto chapter 2. -sigh-

Ranma became the main food source for the monsters. The monsters milk him filling glass jars to feed other monsters.

This … this is beyond ridiculous! Filling jars? Seriously? Should I really point out how … insanely difficult that would be for one man? Did Ranma turn into a God or something?

If it wasn’t for what was done to Ranma during his first day in this new world, he would have died.

“Well,” began Fr.Kirei, “that should answer your concerns.”

I’m beginning to regret doing this review with him.

… larger than basketballs, soft as liquid pillows, with the pneumatic buoyancy of party-balloon helium…

Oh .. oh Lord! I’m on the floor laughing! I had no idea that this would be a comedy story. This is probably the most silliest description of a certain anatomical part that I’ve read in weeks!

“Mr.Dekar I would appreciate it if you would stop overturning the furniture in your mirth.”

….No longer content to allow him to lie on the floor, they lifted him, so that now every surface of his skin was in contact with slippery, monster girl flesh…..

When your life is in danger, being physically lifted into the air, being stripped of your clothing … would it really be sensual?

“Different people, different tastes; Mr.Dekar. In fact, I’m aware of someone who associates carnal acts with food. Oddly enough, many consider him to be a good chef. Though, I would never eat anything he cooks.”

I … dammit. Now I can’t get that image out of my head. Disgusting!

Author’s Notes –

“On another note, Mr.Dekar,” he suddenly announced, “do you value your life?”

I nodded my head in response. As soon as I finished, Fr.Kirei threw the remainder of my prints into the trash can, where they suddenly caught on fire. I didn’t even know that the priest had a portable incinerator!

“For your own sanity, please stop. If the one you came to see were to start reading this, I worry about the consequences.”

What? But you were the one who said that we could wait for him!

“I won’t even mention that you were here. Now. Leave.”

I guess that was it. True, I could probably continue doing this review on my own, but Fr.Kirei gave that command with such authority that I don’t dare disobey him. The room actually felt 20 degrees colder.

Hmmm… wonder if I should try this kind of a review again? Perhaps with him next time? At the very least, I think I need a better quality story. Or should I find my sanity first? In hind-sight, I can’t figure out WHAT I was thinking when I decided to review a hentai story, expecting to find plot.

Actually, I’m more surprised that there’s a hentai (or at least one that’s XXX-enough of it for me) story on FF.NET.

No. I’ve been warned against thinking of this story already. Think I’ll just go to sleep and forget about the whole thing …