Fanfiction review “FateScrewed-Up”

And time for another fan-fiction review. This time it’s a cross-over story between Harry Potter and Fate/Stay Night. What’s disappointing is the plot. Here’s how it goes – Harry, after gaining all three Hallows, becomes some God-like entity who doesn’t die, but re-incarnates … as a girl. That by itself, is just silly and in the right author’s hands can be made into a brilliant plot. As for this author? It gets worse. He gender-bends Shirou. Yeah, truly a WTF kind-of moment. Here’s the link to the story,

FateScrewed-Up by Magician of Blue

This time, instead of just writing the review in my blog, I decided to put it up on FFN as well. In the general interest of laziness, I’m going to copy-paste it here –

Chapter 1 Review

Let me tell you a story. It’s the tale of a fan-fiction critic who wanted to let out some frustration. He wasn’t always like this. A very very long time ago, he was actually a fan-fiction writer. Not the very best, but better than average. It was a fun time. The young author would type away at his computer bringing to text the wonders of his imagination.

Then she left.

It wasn’t unexpected nor was it sudden. The burdens of real-life began to weigh down the aspiring author so much that he had less and less time to write his fan-fiction. He still continued to read plenty of stories, but the spark to write slowly dimmed. Until she left him. What’s worse is that the poor fool didn’t even realize that his muse was gone. It wasn’t until months later, upon receiving a review to one of his old stories did the man realize that he hadn’t updated in a very long time.

The author searched high and low to find his muse, but she didn’t seem willing to come back. Perhaps it was because the author was no longer an author? It was possible. The more the young man thought, the more convinced he became – he would need to write. Write something. Write ANYTHING, and hopefully, his muse would return.

He wrote a thesis. It granted him a Master’s degree. But his muse didn’t return. He tried blogging. At one point, it appeared that she was back and knocking at the door, but it turned out to be apathy instead. This young man grieved. He had a story to tell, but without his muse how could he do so?!

The fool became desperate. Drastic action would need to be taken. It was the only way he could see. What was this tactic? To become a critic. And not just any critic, but one of the HIGHEST caliber! The reason his muse didn’t return to him was because of the bad company the man kept. He surrounded himself with such horrible stories, that she couldn’t bear to be near him.

And so, the young man set out to remedy the wrong that was done upon him. He would speak out and educate the lesser fools in the vicinity!

Be warned my friend. And pay heed to what will come next.

Chapter 2 Review

The first thing that catches my attention when I open up your story is irrelevant. It’s the advertisement on top of the site. The administrators are probably happy about that, but I’m not sure if you should care as an author.

Instead, I’ll highlight the second thing that caught my attention – the story picture. Or, as I’m assuming, your avatar. It’s that of a red-haired girl with blue eyes. I think she looks cute, but can’t tell if she’s smiling or not. Then my eyes drift towards the story title. A part of my mind went into the gutter when I saw the word “screw”, but that’s probably because I’m a horrible human being. The other part of my mind is wondering what you are referring to. Is one of your characters screwed up? Or are you out-right admitting that your story is f**ked up?

And now, I notice the cross-over classification. HP FSN? I _try_ not to judge a book by its cover, but after reading so many horrible stories, I can’t help but reduce my expectations. Don’t worry author, it isn’t you. Unless the story has been recommended by someone, I take the same stance for just about any story. Next, the summary. Harry has all three Hallows, so this makes him to be some kind of God? Check. That’s been done before. He gets to reincarnate? Check. I’ve lost count of the sheer number of time-loop stories there are on this site.

Reincarnating as a female? That’s new. At least to me. But, meh. It’s something I can let slide. The final bit however, about “Fem!Harry-who-became-Fem!Shiro” doesn’t make sense to me. Are you trying to say that Harry, in his reincarnated life as a woman, takes Shirou’s place? How would that work? A highlight of Shirou Emiya is how he has amnesia before the fire and is metaphorically reborn into a new person when he met Kiritsugu … wait. You didn’t, did you? PLEASE don’t tell me that you did something so corny as to have Harry reincarnate at at that moment? What would the point of gender-bending be then? Granted, it usually doesn’t make sense, but this is out-right nonsense.

Ah heck! I’ll just start reading the story anyway. Let’s see here … we have a lot of text mentioning about Harry’s fortunes, rampant inter-breeding, inheritance claims and it’s all for Nothing?! Why even bother mentioning all this then if it’s not related to the story?

Author, it sets a certain kind of impression when you Begin your story with filler paragraphs. It’s the kind of impression similar to a politician talking endlessly when he really doesn’t have anything of value to say. Or even worse, he actually has something important to say, but forgets to say it and talks about something else instead. Regardless, it’s usually the kind of politician most people ignore. But we vote into power anyway. After-all, I ended up writing this review, didn’t I?

Sometimes, I *do* wonder what those politicians think. Or at least, what they feel about themselves. Could you answer this for me author? Is it some warm and fuzzy feeling inside? Or is it like some slithery moss creepy down your back and entering your rear end?

Oh, dammit. You DID do it. You really did replace Shirou with a gender-bent Harry right after the fire. I … I don’t know what to say. It just feels so … so, corny! In your defense, I’ve seen worse ideas executed brilliantly, so will give you the benefit of a doubt that most society gives to elected officials and continue reading.

Author, 2nd chapter, 2nd paragraph, you say “A seven year old young girl who has no memories of her past”. Ignoring the grammar issues with that sentence, what is the point of Harry re-incarnating if he has no memories of his past?! Wait … the very next moment you say “overwritten by his”.

There is something very wrong in there, but I’m not sure what. Instead, I’m reminded of a parental advisory of why its a bad idea to let a convicted child molester stand next to your five-year old daughter in a closed broom closet. Something is VERY wrong here.

Alright, I just read the next bit and now I _know_ that something is *very* wrong. Kiritsugu, the Magus-Killer, is explaining to a seven-year old girl, who can’t possibly be in a stable condition about the world of magi? If this is how the Nasuverse magicians operate, it would be common knowledge by now! Talk about plot-holes.

Then again, this is fan-fiction, so who cares about stuff like that? We’ll just butcher the source material as we see fit! (And I approve of this too. But only for the sake of making the story interesting. Doing it for the sake of doing so is just wasting everyone’s time).

And now Harry is giving a moral lecture? When did he get the maturity to do that? I thought that he lost all his memories? Did he recover them in the hospital? If so, when? Was it during the visit with the local tentacle monster? I’ve heard that all kinds of things can happen in such circumstances.

And … this is just baffling, but WHY would Kiritsugu think that Harry (or even Shirou, for that matter) would hate him? I know that he regrets some of the killing he was forced to do in canon, but he would have known that Shirou was indebted to him. There might be some odd kind of guilt about possibly killing Shirou’s old life, but it never struck out that way for me – at least in canon.

Oh now, this is just great. He’s giving Harry the choice of being adopted or going to an orphanage. Great way to keep the existence of magic a secret. Looks like someone forgot something. If I were you author, I would try searching under the bed. Some folks say that intelligence is light green in color, glows at night and makes out with cats. Hopefully, you’ll find it down there.

Emiya Kirika. Is this some new way of creating an OC? Pretend to do a cross-over story, change the name & sex of the main character and hope that no-one will remember? Sorry, but it just isn’t original enough. We’ve seen worse. This doesn’t even come close. You should have just tried replacing Shirou with a tentacle monster. Now THAT would be worth reading. Hmm… for that matter, has anyone done that before? Writing the story of the grail war with a tentacle monster as a master?

And AGAIN, you mention that Kirika “lost her memories”. What is the point of doing this? It looks like it’s not even taken seriously in the story anymore. I can’t seem to think of any reason why you would want to bring this up. Does it have anything to do with tentacle monsters?

-sigh- From D-rank to A-rank? Looks like a God to me. Or a Goddess. I can’t tell when we’re talking about gender-bend characters. It gets too confusing. Regardless, we have a divine entity here – someone who’s miles ahead of the everyone else in terms of skill.

What a coincidence. That’s exactly what you talk about next. Skills. Amazing, just by being adopted into the Emiya household, you get to learn everything and anything related to being a magus. And that too, become an expert in all such fields. Just for the sake of a damper, we have a small bit about how the crest can’t be inherited. But when you can just teach everything the old fashioned way, does it even matter anymore?

There’s some explanation about explosives and ley-lines here, but since I don’t understand the connection between them (and I don’t care to learn), I feel it best if I just skip over this paragraph. It’s probably just filler material. Like in the beginning of the story.

-YAWN- There’s some stuff here about Taiga, more evidence of Kirika becoming a goddess by implementing her knowledge of DADA, Transfiguration …etc. (Amnesia? What amnesia? We don’t need no stinking amnesia in this story!)

The Red Archer got freed?! (HUGE face-palm)

Alright, I’ll continue reading the story. I mean, once you’ve entered the public sewage system and are three-quarter way through, it makes little sense to turn back. Much faster to just go forward. Even if the muck smells worse. Besides, the flies might get friendly.

Kirika has no social life? And yet becomes the vice-captain of the KENDO club? To a small degree, I can understand if it was the chess or computer club, but kendo? Now, I’ve never been in a sports club myself, and perhaps this is being grossly unfair, but … is that even possible? To gain a position of responsibility without socializing? Unless Kirika was tricked into it.

You know, in hind-sight that actually makes a lot of sense. Kirika was tricked into becoming the vice captain. It’s odd enough that she joined the kendo club, but to be tricked into the post – it would make for a good plot diversion.

And now you claim that Sakura had issues with her powers. Canonically, that doesn’t make sense. The likes of her grandfather wouldn’t permit _that_ blatant a security leak. Then again, this is fan-fiction. Let’s just turn the villains into jelly and hope that the hero will be able to mold them into images of herself.

After-all, there’s no way that Sakura’s grand-father would notice her learning new spells. Especially in some new and obscure branch of magecraft. It’s probably too insignificant for him anyway …

“graduated Middle School” ? We weren’t even talking about high-school? Kirika must be mentally ill. If she could learn all those kinds of advanced magics and combat techniques, to then be forced to sit in middle school, it must mean that she has a learning disability. Or her learning is perversely selective. Which is just weird. I wouldn’t be surprised if she went to a mental asylum next. She’s intelligent enough to admit herself there.

Ah, the story’s over. Finally. My tentacle monster is getting impatient, so if you will excuse me, I need to go cuddle it on my bed. Bye!

Hope you folks found that entertaining. Not sure what got over me with T-monsters when I wrote it. With luck, my muse will return and I can get back to writing. 🙂